


Precious Things

by almostblue (fictionalaspect)



Category: B.A.P, K-pop
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crossdressing, Crossdressing Kink, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gay Sex, Gender Related, Gender Roles, Genderbending, Interactive, Kim Himchan Figures Himself Out, Lingerie, Love, M/M, Romance, Romantic Friendship, What does pretty mean anyway, gender expression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-13
Updated: 2013-09-13
Packaged: 2017-12-26 11:41:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/965521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionalaspect/pseuds/almostblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Himchan has a secret, Jongup is Jongup, and neither of them trust the dictionary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Precious Things

**Author's Note:**

> Reposted from [here](http://thebrowniebunch.livejournal.com/5918.html) and written for my favorite [haneyon](http://haneyon.livejournal.com/) for the [Brownie Bunch B.A.P Fic Exchange ]() Round 2.
> 
> (This story contains gifs, links, hidden text, and other goodies!)

Himchan was the one who said their friendship was ironic, a comment slipped in among a hundred others. Jongup pointed out that that's not actually the meaning of irony, unless Himchan meant to indicate that they weren't friends.

"We **shouldn't** be friends," Himchan said, sipping on his coffee noisily through a straw. "We don't make any sense. I'm loud and you're quiet. You're a dancer, and I'm probably the worst dancer in the group. We don't have anything in common."

"What if we aren't friends?" Jongup said, because part of their friendship is riling Himchan up, as a fair trade for every dumb errand that Himchan makes Jongup run for him. Jongup suspects they both secretly know this, but it works on Himchan anyway.

"If we're not friends then I'm still your hyung," Himchan says. "You still have to do what I say."

"I don't really have to do what anyone says," Jongup says. "I mean. In the long view."

"Then leave," Himchan says airly. He sips on his straw. "Then go find someplace else to be. Since we're not friends."

"We're friends," Jongup says. Their arms are pressed together on the sun-warmed wood of the park bench.

"Only because I buy you things."

"Nah," Jongup says. Himchan smiles at him, goofy and familiar. He's not wearing his contacts, so Jongup knows that all he's seeing is a Jongup-shaped blob, but he smiles back all the same. Himchan will understand that he's smiling.

-

Jongup sometimes spends days trying to develop his own definitions for words.

It's not that he doesn't like the ones in the dictionary; it's just that they're strange and stale, unconnected to his life. Jongup understands that until everyone is psychic, words are the best possible option—but still.

Jongup needs them to communicate with the people around him. His distrust does not extend to silence. But he's distrusted them ever since he learned that "yes" doesn't always mean yes when spoken by a tired parent; ever since he realized that there's no way of knowing if he sees the same sun, the same sky, the same exact shade of purple on the awning of the convenience store near his parent's house.

When Jongup thinks of the word 'orange' he thinks of the smell of sharp citrus and the promotions for Hajima and Youngjae's sneakers and a pair of orange socks that Junhong once ruined in the wash. He thinks of the fact that oranges are really orange but sunsets sometimes aren't, and that it's a color he likes even though he doesn't like it as much as some people he knows.

There's no way of telling someone all of that, so Jongup has to use the word "orange." But inside his own head, he likes nailing down the meanings. He likes knowing what words mean not just to everyone, but also to himself. If he's going to speak, he wants to mean what he says.

-

Himchan spews words like credit card machines spew receipts, crumpled up and tossed away on the sidewalk after one glance. He talks even when there's no one around to listen to him. He can talk for days. Jongup has heard him do it.

Sometimes Jongup thinks that he and Himchan are similar, in that they both become obsessed with figuring out the most precise meaning of something. It's just that Himchan does so outside his head, where everyone else can hear him. His answers to quiz show questions are always long, formal, and lengthy. His writing shows the mark of an overachiever.

Himchan can talk about the meaning of a five second conversation for two days, analyzing someone's possible motivations until he's run out of options. Jongup actually finds it interesting, so he listens. He knows the rest of the band wants to shove a pillow down Himchan's throat when he does this, but they aren't as concerned about perfectionism as Himchan and Jongup are.

There is an answer to every question, if both of them keep looking for it.

It's just that Himchan talks around the issue, circling back as his understanding becomes more and more clear. Jongup stays quiet, letting things sink in and mellow until suddenly he understands what he was meant to understand.

-

Himchan and Jongup are stuck in the airport lounge while someone finds their luggage, debating the meaning of the word "pretty." Himchan says it's a lesser version of beautiful. Jongup disagrees, although he hasn't said so out loud. He knows that Himchan knows he disagrees, just by the way Himchan keeps touching his hand. Himchan touches Jongup's hand a lot when he's trying to convince Jongup of something.

"It's when something isn't beautiful," Himchan says. "It's not a bad thing. It just means it isn't quite at that level, or maybe it wasn't supposed to be at the level in the first place. Like—you see a shiny stone, at the beach, and you say 'oh, that's pretty.' You wouldn't stop and say 'oh, that's beautiful.' "

"But what if it _is_ beautiful?" Jongup is unimpressed.

"When was the last time you found a rock that made you stop and say 'oh, that's beautiful?' "

"Never."

"This is my point." Himchan settles back in the airport lounge chair, pleased with himself.

"There are beautiful rocks in museums," Jongup says.

"Those are minerals."

"They count."

"It's not the same thing. And anyway, why do you care so much about it? We all know what the word pretty means. It just means that something is nice. It's attractive."

"Maybe that's not what it means to me," Jongup says.

Jongup thinks that pretty is girls on the street with laughing eyes and wide smiles. He thinks it's pebbles in the ocean but also the way Junhong looks after they've put all of his makeup on him, like a living doll. He thinks pretty is the glow of a cigarette at night and a perfect dance practice where everyone is in line, everyone is in sync. Pretty is improvisation. Pretty is the girls on variety shows.

Jongup can't say all of these things to Himchan, because each of them would become a battle.But if pretty is just a lesser level of beautiful, then Jongup _really_ doesn't understand why everyone always says it about Himchan.

"Everything means something different to you," Himchan sighs.

Jongup nods.

-

Things that Moon Jongup thinks are Beautiful

  * Yongguk's long nails, when he remembers to clean them.
  * Santa Monica Pier in Los Angeles, any time of day. The sand underneath his bare feet and a soft, warm breeze and the palm trees which looked back at the city and stood proudly across the horizon like soldiers.
  * Breathing (the feeling of it; the understanding that if he stopped, then he would slowly move towards death, but he doesn't. Jongup thinks that not enough people appreciate breathing.)
  * Joseon Moon Jars, the white porcelain ones shaped like round globes that he remembers from museum trips as a child.
  * The faces of his friends and bandmates when they smile under neon lights and street lamps, in a foreign city, on a street whose name they don't know and don't care to learn.
  * ~~Himchan.~~



-

Himchan uses touch as a language, the same way that Jongup does. Jongup used to hate it when people touched him. Sometimes Jongup wonders if Himchan caught on to the fact that he hated being touched, and set out to rid Jongup of that feeling on purpose.

Learning to suffer through Himchan and Yongguk's dongsaeng trials prepared him for Youngjae's casual hugs and then Junhong's limpet-style clinging. By then, Jongup didn't mind. Junhong was just a kid. He needed a friend. Jongup genuinely liked him, so it was okay when Junhong would fall asleep on his lap and drool all over Jongup's stage costumes.

Right now, Himchan is rubbing the small of Jongup's back, low enough that it's not visible below the press conference table. Jongup isn't sure if this particular touch means 'pay attention, you're zoning out,' or 'I'm lonely,' or 'thank god this is almost over.' Maybe all three. They still haven't perfected their psychic connection yet, no matter how many instruction manuals Himchan reads.

-

Jongup isn't trying to press the issue, but he asks all of the members—besides Himchan, in private—about the last beautiful thing they experienced. For some reason he feels like this is important. He's not sure why. He just wants to know if beautiful only applies to that feeling when your heart is in your throat, when your stomach hurts and you can't breathe because something is perfect.

Youngjae says that the last beautiful thing he remembers is harmonizing with Daehyun onstage and knowing they were both absolutely on pitch, knowing that that note was soaring out over a crowd of thousands.

Yongguk says that the last beautiful thing he remembers was the sunrise over New York City from the window of his hotel room, facing east, so high up that he could see all of Manhattan spread out below.

Junhong says that the last beautiful thing he saw was a painting. It's part of his history and culture class, and he shows it to Jongup on his iPad. It doesn't make Jongup's heart leap into his throat, but he understands where Junhong is coming from. There is something striking and poignant about it. The colors clash in a way that makes the whole screen seem to vibrate.

Daehyun says the last beautiful thing he saw was the sushi spread laid out for the sixteen of them in Japan, boats and flowers and magical creations piled high down a long table.

Jongup isn't sure that Daehyun's answer really counts.

-

"What?" Himchan says, after he catches Jongup staring at him while they're stuck in traffic in Seoul. They're all sweaty and tired, riding a post-performance high that is slowly draining down into exhaustion. Himchan's makeup is creasing in the corners of his eyes. Himchan's eyes are small and wide-set but when Jongup really looks at them, he thinks they're pretty.

Himchan waves a hand in front of Jongup's face. "Jonggupie, what? I know you're overwhelmed by my beauty, but..."

"Not this again," Daehyun mutters, covering his eyes. Youngjae bumps his shoulder in sympathy. "Please don't tell me we're going to have this conversation again."

"I'm not," Jongup says. "I just was looking at your eyes. Your makeup is creasing. Here." He touches Himchan's face to show him.

"Oh," Himchan says. He frowns, even though it doesn't matter that their makeup is creasing. They're offstage, and all they're going to do is go home and shower and wash their faces and put on their stupid skin masks. "Does it look bad?"

"Yes," Yongguk says dryly, from the front seat. "Channie, you're a monster."

"A sea dragon," Youngjae says, picking up on the game.

"A sea _hag_."

Everyone looks at Junhong and Jongup expectantly. "I don't—what? Hyung looks fine," Junhong says, looking up from his phone with a sudden, confused expression.

Everyone groans.

Junhong colors, his cheeks pinking, and goes back to his phone.

"Jongup, you're my only hope," Daehyun says, turning around and leaning over the seat, even though Kang hyung has yelled at them about a million times not to do that because if they get into an accident they'll break their spinal cords or something equally terrible.

"Himchan is a mermaid," Jongup says. He is. He's beautiful from far away, and imperfect up close. What no one else seems to understand is that Jongup likes those imperfections. His own face is imperfect.

Everyone laughs, even Himchan.

"Jongguppie sees how beautiful I am," Himchan says, touching up his eye makeup with his middle finger, casually, as though they won't notice he's doing it. "He appreciates me."

"Jonguppie is easily bought," Youngjae says. "His stomach leads him down dangerous paths."

"I'm not," Jongup says, even if his stomach does occasionally lead him to bad decisions. Like the pickled octopus incident. That had been a bad idea.

"Hey," Himchan says, frowning. "I didn't buy him." He leans back and puts his arm around Jongup's shoulder. He does this for several reasons that Jongup has ascertained. One is when Jongup is moving too much, or jittery, or isn't facing the camera or generally not doing what he's supposed to be doing when they're filming. The second is when Himchan is feeling possessive. The third is when Himchan is bored, and needs something to do. The fourth is when Himchan is lonely, and needs someone to touch. The fifth is when he needs to prove his claim to Jongup, like Jongup is a small dog without an owner.

The fifth is his least favorite, and also what Himchan's doing right now. Jongup makes a face at him but allows it.

The conversation takes another turn, towards food at the dorms and whether or not there are leftovers. Himchan stares at Jongup very closely.

"Is my makeup fixed?" he says.

"You didn't need to fix it in the first place," Jongup says. "I was just looking at it."

"You've been staring at lot lately. Am I getting wrinkles?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Hyung," Jongup says, starting to laugh at Himchan's vanity. Someday, Himchan will realize that his value has nothing to do with his face. Someday. "I promise. No wrinkles. I just think your face looks nice."

Himchan nods, as though this is the appropriate response. Then he turns to look out the window, but his arm tightens around Jongup's shoulder and he smiles quietly to himself the rest of the drive home.

-

Jongup is sitting on the closed toilet seat, waiting for his face mask to be done. Jongup hates the stupid things, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made.  


He could go outside and sit with the rest of the guys, but he's already in here, and Himchan is talking, and the bathroom is warm and pleasant from the steam of Yongguk's shower. Himchan had pulled him in for company, and Jongup isn't going to complain if it means he gets to take his makeup off faster.

"You should shower," Himchan says. "You're gross."

"All we have is practice tomorrow," Jongup says. The mask pulls at the skin of his face when he talks. Ugh. "Is it that terrible? Do I smell?"

"No," Himchan says, but he frowns at Jongup. "Well. Not really. But it's just. You should shower, that's what normal people do."

"I can just take my clothes off, if that's what you're looking for," Jongup says. "I don't feel like showering. I washed up at the venue. We're just going to get dirty again tomorrow."

Himchan laughs, all of his front teeth showing.

"I see your body enough already, Jongguppie-ah," Himchan says. "It's not like anyone has to ask you to get naked." He's removed most of his makeup, but not all of it. He's taken off his eyebrows and his highlighting and some of the stagecake that they all have to wear on their faces, but it takes at least two applications to get all of their skin products off.

Jongup shrugs. This is probably true. He doesn't really like clothing very much.

Himchan looks at him for a long moment, and then he walks over and pushes the door to the bathroom shut.

"I tried to get you to take a shower," Himchan says. "You have only yourself to blame for this. Don't tell." He reaches underneath the sink and fumbles around until he draws out a case that Jongup has never seen before. It's plain black, at least the size of a small purse.

Jongup watches quietly while Himchan checks the time, and then sets out several brushes, three compacts, lip liner, and lip gloss. "How long do you think a normal shower takes?" Himchan says. "Ten minutes?"

"We're both in here," Jongup says easily. "You could take twenty. You're a hyung."

"Mmm," Himchan says. "You're right."

Jongup watches as Himchan uses the base of the stage makeup to make himself up. His hands are quick and practiced, as skilled as their makeup noonas.

"What do you think," Himchan murmurs. "Dark blue? Or this one?" He holds up two different compacts.

"I like the dark blue one," Jongup says. He watches as Himchan blends his eye makeup, tilting his head to get the best light. There is something gentle about the way he does it. Jongup can't remember the last time he's seen Himchan's shoulders so relaxed. Usually they're tight and stiff, even if Himchan is slouching. Right now, they're soft and rounded. Himchan even looks happy as he colors in his mouth with a raspberry-colored gloss.

"What do you think?" Himchan says, turning to face him and mussing up his hair artfully as he does so. Jongup has been watching carefully the whole time, but the effect is still striking.

"I think you look beautiful," Jongup says. It's the truth, and he knows it is because suddenly his heart is all up in his throat again. Makeup shouldn't change the way he feels about Himchan, but—maybe it's the way makeup changes the way _Himchan_ feels about Himchan.

Himchan blushes, looking down at the countertop.

"You won't tell?" he says. "I just like it. I don't know why. Don't...I don't know. Don't go thinking I'm a freak."

"If I thought you were a freak it would be for many other reasons," Jongup says, grinning through his awful, uncomfortable, stupid face mask.

Himchan snorts in amusement. Then he holds his phone up, taking a few pictures. Jongup stands up and creeps in the background of some of them, until Himchan notices and starts laughing. Jongup reaches over and clicks the shutter twice, so Himchan will have a picture where he's actually happy and not just making a selca face.

"What do you do with those?" Jongup says, because he knows for a fact that Himchan doesn't keep them on his phone.

"I email them to a secret email address," Himchan says. Jongup watches as Himchan types it in by hand, and attaches the photos, and then deletes them once the email has sent. "And then I take a shower and everything comes off and this all goes away." He waves at the mess of cosmetics on the sink.

Jongup thinks about that.

"I see," he says, peeling off his face mask, because it's finally time and ugh, he's so done with it. He rinses his face off and dries it with Himchan's towel.

"You really don't think I'm weird?" Himchan says softly. He looks suddenly, achingly vulnerable. His shoulders are tight again.

"Do what u like, luv what u do?" Jongup tries, smiling at Himchan in the mirror.

"I don't think that's what Yongguk means," Himchan says, licking his lips. "If he knew—"

"It should be what he means," Jongup says. "Double standards are for losers." He reaches behind Himchan, and squeezes his hand.

-

Himchan likes going shopping. Jongup doesn't, but he indulges him every once in a while. It's not that he _dislikes_ shopping, it's just that there are usually more important things he could be doing, like playing Pokemon or sleeping or watching a movie or reading comic books. Shopping is low in his priority list.

Right now, they're in one of the giant department stores in Seoul, while Himchan searches for something or other that some expensive brand just released. Jongup zoned out while Himchan gave him the details. Jongup likes the boutique ice creamery on the fourth floor of this store, so he said yes. It's one of the places where you just tell them what you're craving, and somehow it magically appears. Jongup is debating what he's going to order, and it's taking up a lot of attention so he almost misses it.

Almost, but not quite.

"Hyung, what are we looking for again?" Jongup says, once he notices that they're passing through the women's underwear section.

Himchan rolls his eyes. "Shoes," he says, sighing. "A limited edition pair of shoes that not a single store in Seoul seems to carry, and also anything that looks interesting." He's fingering things absentmindedly as they walk--tugging on the edge of a T-shirt, smoothing his fingers over a silky satin nightgown.

"I don't know where the shoes are," Jongup says.

Himchan brushes his fingers over the lace near the top of the nightgown's straps. "They weren't where they were supposed to be, and I thought maybe they'd be up here in the showcase area, but now I can't find it." He doesn't seem to realize he's petting the nightgown.

Jongup reaches out, because now _he_ want to know if it's really as soft as it looks. Himchan looks down, and jerks his hand away quickly. His cheeks turn pink. He laughs. "Ah, I'm so distracted," Himchan says. He's snickering. Jongup thinks the nightgown feels nice, but he drops it. "We're standing here in the underwear section like perverts. We should go."

"You don't want it?" Jongup says.

"What, that?" Himchan gapes at him. "The underwear thing?"

Jongup gives him his best blank and innocent smile.

"Yah, come on," Himchan says, tugging on his hand and pulling him towards the escalators. "Weirdo. No, I don't want that. I want my fucking shoes."

"You were petting it," Jongup says, by way of explanation.

"I was _not_." Himchan is somewhere between annoyed, angry, and embarrassed. "It's just a habit. You know that."

"Okay," Jongup says, but he doesn't miss how long it takes for Himchan's blush to fade.

-

The ad pops up on the side of his iPad screen, and Jongup opens it in another tab without really thinking about it. It's been a long week. He's killing time in the living room, enjoying the relative quiet of the dorms. Yongguk and Himchan are at the studio. Daehyun is visiting family that's come into the city to see him. In the bedroom, Youngjae is watching something on his laptop with his headphones on, and Junhong is writing. Jongup has the unexpected luxury of being able to stretch out alone on their common room couch.

He should really go for a run to stretch out after yesterday's grueling rehearsal, but he's feeling lazy. He finishes reading his email, and then he taps the other tab. It's an ad for a lingerie site, full of cute girls in pretty bras and panties.

Jerking off in the shower sounds like a better idea than a run.

The more that Jongup skims through the pictures, though, the more he starts thinking about Himchan, and that nightgown thing that he'd been so weird about the other day. He wonders if Himchan likes wearing stuff like this. Maybe that's why he was so weird. Maybe he just thought it was soft and pretty, like Jongup did.

Jongup's never thought about guys who wear girl's clothing one way or the other, but he finds himself thinking that certain things would look really nice on his hyung.

It's not that Himchan is built like a girl. He's tall and angular, not soft and curvy. Most of the lingerie sets would look weird on him, because they're made for people with breasts. Jongup doesn't think that Himchan secretly wants to wear bras and panties but some of the slips are just--nice.

They're made of satin and lace, and Jongup can't help but remember the way Himchan's shoulders had softened when he'd been doing his makeup. He wonders if wearing something else pretty would make Himchan feel the same way. He wonders if Himchan really did want that pretty nightgown, somewhere deep down inside.

He finds himself [tapping](http://imageshack.us/a/img689/1775/jb6a.jpg) [on](http://imageshack.us/a/img29/6716/u5ti.jpg) [ items](http://imageshack.us/a/img801/3350/ji9e.jpg) and [adding](http://imageshack.us/a/img833/4897/7uiz.jpg) [them](http://imageshack.us/a/img13/6725/m91i.jpg) to his cart. Maybe he can just give them to Himchan as a sign of...acceptance, or something. Himchan's already bought so many things for him; maybe it's time Jongup returned the favor.

Jongup stays away from the more garish sets and picks things in neutral colors--black, white, a deep cobalt blue. Himchan might love a leopard print slip with hot pink lace, but he might also think Jongup is making fun of him. This is the exact opposite of what Jongup is trying to achieve.

Jongup does not think about the fact that he's hard, or that he's also buying the matching underwear for every set.

He'll deal with that in the shower.

-

The problem with buying almost 300,000 won worth of expensive lingerie for your best friend is that there's no way to hide it. It arrives in an embarrassingly large box at the dorms. Jongup has to sign for it and everything.

"The hell did you buy from there?" Daehyun says, peering over Jongup's shoulder. "Isn't that a girl's store?"

"It's for my mom," he lies. "It's her birthday soon."

Youngjae's eyes get even wider. "You bought lingerie for your _mom_?" He starts laughing his loud, honking laugh.

"It's an underwear store?" Daehyun is still confused. "But why would you--"

"It's pajamas," Jongup says, before everything can spiral out of control. He has already thought carefully about his cover story. "She asked for them. The nice kind."

"Oh," Daehyun says. "Well. That makes sense."

"How many sets did you buy her?" Youngjae says skeptically, looking at the large box in Jongup's hands. "Are you sure it's not for your secret girlfriend or something?"

"Yeah, my secret girlfriend," Jongup says dryly. He walks into the bedroom, and shoves the box under his bed. "I just bought them for my mom and all my aunts. They all have summer birthdays. Now I don't have to think about it. They're even wrapped already."

"That's smart," Daehyun says approvingly. "I'm going to do that. That's a good present."

"That's weird that their birthdays are all so close," Junhong says thoughtfully, from somewhere above them. He must be in his bunk, writing again.

"I guess my grandparents had a lot of sex in the winter," Jongup says.

-

"Your mother's birthday is in January," Himchan murmurs, when they're cleaning up from dinner that night. Jongup already has his hands in the sink, rinsing off their plates.

"I know," Jongup says.

Himchan side-eyes him for a long moment. Then he shoves the cooking pots in Jongup's direction, piling up the dirty dishes into a precarious tower.

"Make sure you don't leave any stains on them, like last time," he snaps, leaving the kitchen with tight shoulders and precise, measured steps.

-

Himchan is short with him the rest of the week, ordering him around and sitting as far away from Jongup as possible. He's not exactly sulking, but he's definitely transferred all of his energy and affection to Junhong. Jongup waits. He wants to give Himchan his presents the way they should be given; each wrapped in tissue paper, carefully tucked into its own box.

Since he can't exactly do that around the rest of the guys, Jongup just...waits.

He gets his chance when they fly to Japan for three days. It's a whirlwind of press conferences and interviews and photoshoots, but on the night after their second show they get a few precious hours off.

Junhong is throwing on his swim trunks to go swim in the hotel pool with the rest of the guys. Normally Jongup would be doing the same, but first he has something very important to take care of.

 _Dont go swimming_ , he texts Himchan, once Junhong has gone down to the pool. _come up here. I hve something for u._

Ten minutes later he gets a response.

_better be good._

_It is. Come up_.

Himchan knocks on the door a few minutes later. Jongup lets him in. Himchan is frowning.

"What's with all the secrecy?" he says, giving Jongup a weird look as he takes a seat on Jongup's unmade bed.

Jongup shrugs, and starts unpacking the boxes from his suitcase. He places each one on the bed next to Himchan, who goes very still when he sees them.  
Jongup suddenly doesn't know what to do with his hands. It's an odd feeling. He always knows what his body wants to do, even if it's not what he's _supposed_ to be doing at the time.

"They're for you," he says, unnecessarily. "Open them."

Himchan reaches out and traces his finger over the logo embossed in leather and gold on the nearest box.

"No," he says finally.

"No?"

"No," Himchan says. "I can't. I'm not going to--I won't be a girl for you."

"What do you mean?" Jongup doesn't understand. This has nothing to do with Himchan being a girl. Himchan is a guy. Obviously.

"Isn't that what you want?" Himchan glances up at him. "You want me to pretend. It's not like we're allowed to date, so you thought maybe this would be good enough. You thought that maybe if I looked pretty enough and you closed your eyes, you could pretend it wasn't me." His voice is suddenly bitter.

Jongup resists the sudden and overwhelming urge to smack Himchan in the face.

"No," he says. "I bought you presents because I thought you would like them. I don't care where you wear them, or who you wear them for. And if you really don't want them, I'll just send them back."

Himchan blinks.

"Why the hell would I want you to be a girl?" Jongup says, while Himchan is still frozen and silent. "You're a guy. You just looked...happy. The other night. And when you were looking at that pretty gown thing in the store. I just wanted you to look like that more often."

Himchan bites his lip.

He glances at Jongup again, and then he takes the lid off the first box.

"Oh," he says, when he carefully unwraps the tissue paper. It's one of the slips, dark blue silk with coral lace around the edges. It's cut straight across the top, not rounded for curves that Himchan doesn't have.

Jongup's stomach feels like an ocean, like an earthquake. He leans up against the hotel bureau and watches as Himchan carefully unwraps everything, laying it out on the bed. There's a smear of red high on his cheeks. He's flushed near his collarbones, peeking out of the thin black v-neck of his t-shirt.

Jongup looks at everything laid out on the bed, and considers the fact that he may have gone overboard. But Himchan looks like he's been slapped in the face, and he keeps reaching out to touch them, to brush his fingers over the fabric like it's something precious.

"Take them," Jongup says. "They're yours. I'm going swimming." He digs through his bag until he finds his swim trunks, and then goes behind the bathroom door to change. When he comes back out, Himchan has packed everything in one box.

"You need to get rid of these," Himchan says. "They're suspicious. Leave them next to someone's room, with the room service trash. This is an expensive place. No one will notice."

"Okay," Jongup says.

Himchan leaves, clutching the box to his chest. He doesn't say thank you.

Jongup doesn't mind. As he gathers up the empty boxes, he doesn't really know what to say either.

-

Things Moon Jongup thinks are Beautiful

  * Seeing the strap of a camisole, just for a moment, underneath Himchan's baggy sweatshirt. The hood had caught on his backpack, pulling the fabric to one side, and just for a moment Jongup could see the long, pale line of Himchan's neck and the thin black strap against his pale skin.
  * The way Himchan has started shaving his legs. Now they're even more smooth when Jongup accidentally brushes up against him, or knocks their knees together under the table. (No one else has noticed.)
  * Meteor showers.
  * The line of scalloped lace that encircled Himchan's hipbones when he stretched, arms over his head. The lace was under the band of his boxer briefs, which were under his jeans for the stage. It's only happened once, but just that quick glimpse was enough. Black lace against pale skin, even when Himchan was being careful. Jongup thinks about it a lot. Too much.
  * A French girl that Jongup sits next to on a plane when their seats get all mixed up. Youngjae is the one who tells them she's French, but all Jongup knows is that her skin is the color of caramel and every time she smiles at him and brushes his arm, he can't breathe. She speaks passable English and some Japanese. Himchan tells them she's traveling around before college and meeting some friends in Seoul. They're all smitten with her, especially Yongguk. He can't even look in her direction.
  * Apples. (Jongup has been debating this one for a long time. He's finally made his decision.)



-

"But do you _want_ to see?" Himchan says quietly, one night as they're all making their way back to the dorms. Junhong towers ahead of them, saying something that's making Yongguk bark out a rare, tired laugh.

Jongup thinks about this.

"Do you want to show me?" he says. He's aware that he tends to answer questions with questions, but sometimes it's necessary.

Himchan takes a deep breath, even though all he's breathing in is city smog and car exhaust, not clean air. "Yeah."

"Then I want to see it."

"Just to make me happy?"

"No."

"Then why does it matter if I want to show you?" Himchan says.

Jongup just smiles at him.

Himchan sighs, and reaches down to take Jongup's hand.

-

The problem with living with five other guys, day in and day out, is that Jongup lives with five other guys and no one ever shuts up.

Jongup knows that Yongguk understands. Yongguk escapes from the chaos in his own way, hiding in the production rooms at the studio or hunched over his laptop with headphones. No one bothers him, because he's the leader. But Jongup isn't the leader, and he's not really allowed to punch his bandmates when they drive him insane. It's very sad.

When Jongup feels like he's going to strangle someone if he doesn't have fifteen minutes of quiet, he either goes straight back to bed after breakfast, or he goes for a run. It's less about either action than it is about the fact that no one is talking to him. No one is in his space, no one's stuff is all over his bed, no one ate the leftovers he hid behind the banana milk so he could eat them in the morning.

Sometimes he goes to the studio, although he always runs the risk of running into the PLAY team or SECRET or Kang hyung or trainees or any of a dozen other people. But if he can get a practice room to himself, then he's okay.

They lock from the inside.

-

"Everyone's going to be gone for the day," Himchan says, when Jongup wakes up that Sunday. He says it casually, like this is nothing new or important. The apartment is already silent. Himchan must have let him sleep in.

"Ah," Jongup says. "Did you threaten them?"

"No," Himchan says. "I didn't have to. I think we all need a break from each other."

Jongup thinks about that.

"So Dae and Youngjae are at the gym together," he guesses, and grins when Himchan laughs.

"Of course they are," Himchan says. "They're practically one person."

"Where's Junhong?"

"Out with Yongguk. Yongguk said he would take him to meet some old friends."

"Mmm." Yongguk's 'old friends' always mean people from his old crew that he's not technically supposed to be working with or talking to anymore.

"So do you want to stay here?" Himchan says, his tone slightly sharp. "Or would you rather go out and have some alone time?"

"Stay here," Jongup says, sitting up and yawning. He smiles at Himchan. "Aren't you going to get dressed and have breakfast with me?"

-

Himchan can't stop laughing. His face is red. Jongup can tell he's embarrassed, but he shouldn't be. He looks really nice.

"Yah?" Himchan says, posing with his hip cocked out. "Do I look even more beautiful than normal? Am I now officially too beautiful for any camera to capture?"

"Yes," Jongup says. He tries to remember to blink. Himchan looks _really_ nice.

"Well, you bought it," Himchan says. "I'm glad you appreciate the favor you've done for the world." He throws himself into one of the chairs at the dining room table. He's not really wearing makeup--just a little BB cream and some eyeliner. He's wearing a black lace slip that emphasizes the broadness of his shoulders and the delicateness of his collarbones. It clings to his hips over the matching underwear. His legs are thin and impossibly long.

"Make breakfast for me," Himchan says imperiously. He leans forward, one hand under his chin. He seems amused by Jongup's response. Jongup's _non-_ response. Jongup is still holding the carton of banana milk in his hand. He sets it down, and forces himself to look away.

"Okay," Jongup says.

-

In the end, Jongup gets to see all of them.

He makes Himchan breakfast and then Himchan changes again, into one of the satin slips with little matching shorts. He sticks his long legs onto Jongup's lap and they watch daytime TV for a while. Jongup catches himself stroking the bones on the inside of Himchan's ankle. The soft skin on the side of his calves.

"Do you like it?" Himchan says. He's so pleased with himself. Now that he's over his embarrassment, he's soaking up Jongup's attention like a sunflower. "My legs? It didn't look right unless I shaved them."

"It's soft," Jongup says. He strokes his fingers over the top of Himchan's foot.

"I know," Himchan says. "You should try it sometime. It's like--when you rub your legs together afterwards? It feels so nice. You're a dancer, you could get away with it."

Jongup looks down at his own hairy legs, sticking out of his basketball shorts. He's shaved parts of them before, purely for practical reasons, like when he had to wear tights and the hair kept pulling. He doesn't think he wants his own legs to be soft. He thinks he wants to keep stroking Himchan's instead.

Jongup runs his palm over Himchan's calves instead. Himchan shifts on the couch. He licks his lips and lets Jongup run his hands all over one leg.

"I think you should keep doing it," Jongup says. He pushes his thumb against the instep of Himchan's left foot, and Himchan groans. "Don't tease," he says firmly, letting his foot land on Jongup's leg with a thud. "Foot massage. _Now_."

Jongup grins. Foot massages are serious business. Even Jongup understands that. Besides, Himchan has high arches, so Jongup knows it's worse for him.

"Don't you get them to do this for you at the spa?" Jongup says. Himchan's feet are okay. They're not anything particularly exciting, but now that he's this close Jongup notices that Himchan's toenails are all very nicely filed, and it's possible that he's wearing clear nail polish.

Himchan is obviously having trouble containing himself on the other end of the couch. "Oh my god," he mutters, as Jongup works the muscles with his hands. Himchan throws his arm over his face to hide his blush. He's totally making sex noises. Jongup is getting hard, which is kind of weird because he doesn't like feet, or think feet are sexy. Then again, he was just running his palms over Himchan's legs, and now Himchan's moaning.

"This isn't a sex thing," Himchan snaps, in between helpless sighs. "Oh my god. That feels. Fuck, this isn't like, a thing for you is it? Did you do all of this so you could get at my feet or something?"

"I know it's not a sex thing," Jongup says. "Massages feel really good." He starts laughing. "And no, I don't have a foot fetish. Your feet aren't that nice anyway." He flicks the bottom of Himchan's heel, and then places Himchan's left foot as far away from Jongup's erection as possible. He picks up Himchan's right foot.

Himchan removes his arm and frowns down at him. "My feet are nice. I take care of them. They're nicer than anyone else's in this house."

"Fine," Jongup says. "Your feet are nice. I'm not attracted to your feet."

"Good," Himchan says.

"I like your legs, though."

Himchan blinks down at him, eyes wide.

Jongup shrugs. "It's true." He presses his thumbs over the pad of Himchan's foot.

Himchan is silent for a long moment.

"Is this all a very masterfully drawn out seduction plan?" he says finally.

"If it is," Jongup says, after giving the idea some thought. "Then I'm a lot smarter than I realized I was."

Himchan just shakes his head.

"Sometimes I think you're a reincarnated zen master," he mutters, flexing his toes in Jongup's hand.

"Mmm," Jongup says. He smiles.

-

"Which one do you want to see now?" Himchan says. Jongup is sitting on Himchan's bed, while Himchan holds up various items and considers them.

"The one you like the most," Jongup says. "The one that makes you feel pretty. Sexy."

Himchan immediately blushes--a high, flaming red.

"Or...not," Jongup says.

"No, it's--it's fine," Himchan says, grabbing something out of the drawer. "I'll be back." He makes a quick exit to the bathroom.

Jongup takes this time to consider the fact that he has an erection, and also he is super fucking attracted to Himchan right now. He thinks he was probably always attracted to Himchan, but there's something different about this. This is the kind of want that runs deep through his veins. It makes him dizzy when he forgets to breathe.

He's been trying to be polite and not stare, but he's almost certain Himchan feels the same way. Also, he just spent an hour giving Himchan a foot massage and petting his legs while they watched TV and Himchan was wearing a slip.

They are probably going to have sex.

Jongup is totally fine with this.

-

"Jonguppie-ah," Himchan says, from behind the door, sounding much less certain than before. "Are you sure you want you--"

"Yes," Jongup says.

The slip that Himchan's picked is dark blue, with thick edges of cream lace. He's so tall that it's scandalously short on him, the slits at the edges revealing the cream-colored panties he's wearing. They're...enough to hold everything in, but only just.

Also, they're a lot more see-through than they'd looked in the catalog.

Jongup scoots backwards, leaning against the wall. "Come here," he says, and waits until Himchan is standing in front of him. Then he takes Himchan's hand and pulls, gently rearranging him until Himchan is straddling him. Sitting on his lap.

"Jongguppie.."

"Do you feel pretty?" Jongup asks. He brushes his fingers over the fabric. Over the thin straps and the pretty lace slits at the sides. Himchan is very obviously hard.

"Don't you think that's obvious?" Himchan says, looking away. His eyelashes are impossibly long.

"I think you look beautiful," Jongup tells him firmly. "Not pretty. You're not a pebble on the beach."

Himchan stares at him in confusion for a moment, until he remembers their conversation from two months ago. "Beautiful?"

"Is not a greater form of pretty," Jongup informs him. He thumbs at the lace high, high up on Himchan's thighs. "It's something else. It makes you feel like everything is shaking inside."

Himchan swallows, brushing Jongup's hair out of his eyes.

"So I think you're beautiful," Jongup says. "And not just in this. But, I mean." He sucks in a breath. "It helps."

"I didn't think--"

Jongup can't stop himself from running his hands down Himchan's sides, over his stomach. Trailing his fingers over his ass. He wants to kiss every place that the lace is touching Himchan's skin.

"I'm going to kiss you now," Jongup tells him. "Since it is not actually possible for me to be more obvious. If that's not what you want, you should probably say something."

Himchan starts laughing, and he's still laughing when Jongup leans in to kiss him. Himchan opens for him easily, tangling his fingers in Jongup's hair. He presses himself down, against Jongup, and Jongup groans into Himchan's mouth. Then he does exactly what he's wanted to do for the past twenty minutes, which is pull Himchan flush against his body and roll their hips together.

"You make me feel pretty," Himcham murmurs, as Jongup slips his fingers up underneath Himchan's lacy top.

"Beautiful," Jongup corrects him. He's never done this before, but it's not much of a stretch to figure out what he wants. They both have the same equipment. It can't be that difficult.

Himchan makes a whining noise, high in the back of his throat.

"Beautiful," he says hesitantly.

Jongup nods.

-

Nothing comes off, even when it gets rumpled and mussed and one of Jongup's fingernails catches on the lace and pulls a string out. Jongup gets naked, because he wants to, and Himchan stays clothed, because they both want him to.

Himchan's skin tastes like salt and he smells sweet, like candy or spun sugar. Jongup tastes as much of him as he can, from the nap of his neck to the skin just below his hip bones. Himchan is flushed and leaking by the time Jongup pulls him out of his little lacy panties. He pauses, and then pushes them down to mid-thigh because Himchan has shaved _everywhere_. He looks like sin.

Jongup has never given a blowjob before. Jongup doesn't actually mean to give Himchan a blowjob, but his skin is so soft and Himchan keeps gasping and rolling his hips up every time Jongup finds a new place to lick. Somehow it ends up with Himchan's dick in his mouth, so. That's okay.

Himchan's skin is soft, and burning hot to the touch. He pulls on Jongup's hair after Jongup goes all the way down for the first time, tugging until Jongup looks up.

"You don't--have to," Himchan pants. "It's okay, I know you're not--"

Jongup gives Himchan a look that hopefully telegraphs how insane Jongup finds this statement.

"I know I don't have to," Jongup says, and then goes back to sucking Himchan's cock. Jongup is trying not to touch himself, but he can't help it. He never thought sucking someone off would get him this hard.

"Don't--stop, come on, let me," Himchan says, once he notices. He pulls Jongup on top of him and licks his own taste out of Jongup's mouth, his hands closing around Jongup's cock with an easy, practiced motion. He thumbs over the slit, and Jongup bucks into his hands, biting down on Himchan's lip by accident. This is obviously not the first time Himchan has done this.

"Do you want to fuck?" Himchan whispers, biting back just as hard. "We have time."

"I don't know how," Jongup says, although the real answer is YES, god, of course he wants to fuck Himchan.

"You don't have to," Himchan says hurriedly, already pulling away and fumbling underneath his bed for supplies. "I'll do all the work. You just have to not get freaked out by the fact that you're fucking me in the ass."

"I think I'll be okay," Jongup says, already pushing Himchan's legs open.

-

Jongup wants to watch Himchan finger himself, but he doesn't. Instead he lies next to Himchan on his side, watching his face. At first he's tempted to call the whole thing off, because Himchan is wincing like he's in pain.

"Hey," Jongup says, leaning in to kiss him. "If it's not going to be good--"

"It's been a while," Himchan says. Then he laughs, and somehow his whole body relaxes. He lets out a breath. Jongup can see his arm moving, slow and careful

"It's been a really long time," Himchan says. "Like, I don't know. Six years? Fuck." He arches his back and bares his neck as his thrusts get firmer.

"As long as you want to," Jongup says. His cock is aching. He's never had to wait this long between the "let's have sex," and the actually having sex part of the conversation.

"Do you know," Himchan says, his fingers fumbling for the lube. "Do you even know how many times I have gotten off to this? Of course I want you to fuck me."

"Why didn't you just ask?" Jongup says.

"Because you don't ask people shit like that," Himchan says, his eyelids fluttering closed as he resumes fucking himself back on his fingers. "Also, you're straight."

"That seems unlikely," Jongup says, after a long pause. Himchan laughs again, and Jongup grins. He likes it when he can make people laugh during sex.

He traces his fingers over Himchan's face while he waits, the other hand stroking the skin on Himchan's thighs. When his fingers brush Himchan's mouth, Himchan licks them gently.

"Come on," he says, once he's done sucking on Jongup's fingertips. "Let's go. Put the condom on." Jongup follows instructions. He waits while Himchan rearranges himself, while pillows are put in place, while Himchan finds a dirty towel for them to lie on to protect his sheets.

"This is complicated," Jongup observes.

"It's worth it," Himchan says. He bites his hip as Jongup slides his underwear off. "Go slow, okay?" He's still wearing his slip, looking obscene now that the head of his dick is peeking through one of the slits. It's all twisted up, and Jongup thinks about fixing it before deciding he likes it better that way. He wipes a bead of pre-come away from the head of Himchan's dick, so it won't get on the satin.

"Come on," Himchan says, the words coming out in a growl. "I don't beg. Hurry the fuck up."

-

Jongup presses in slowly. Carefully. It's torture. He gets in and then he has to pull out again, and then they need more lube, and it's like this whole thing was expressly designed to make him as desperate as possible. When he finally bottoms out, he can feel a bead of sweat dripping down his neck. His arms are burning. It's good.

He can't speak, so he settles for fucking Himchan instead. It's been so long since he's done this, and it feels so good he knows he's not going to last. Himchan is panting, flushed red, gasping every time Jongup moves, fluttering around him. It's like Jongup just leveled up in sex. It's the most intense thing he's ever felt around his dick.

"Harder," Himchan moans, reaching down to fist himself. Jongup flexes his hips, pushing in with more force. Building his thrusts. He's not going to last. There's no way.

When he finally lets himself go, he silently thanks the gods of everything that there's no one else in the house. Himchan is loud, choking and moaning on each thrust. Desperate. Jongup is snapping his hips and fucking into him helplessly, groaning every time he bottoms out.

Himchan whispers Jongup's name when he comes. He seizes up all of a sudden and then his fist is dripping over and Jongup slams into him, past the point of caring. Pretty Himchan, in his slip, all twisted up and covered in his own come and--

"Fuck," Jongup swears, and comes, riding out Himchan's aftershocks. He pulls out and tosses the tied-up condom away and then Himchan is on top of him, kissing him, holding Jongup's face in both hands. Jongup wraps his arms around Himchan's back, holding him close as they teach each other how to breathe again.

-

All the evidence is gone by the time the others get back. Even the lingerie has been dropped off for dry-cleaning, and the dishes have been put away, and Himchan's sheets are fresh and new and don't reek of come.

 _I still like you,_ Jongup texts Himchan, while they're all making dinner and idly discussing the possibility of ghosts just being echos in some kind of fourth dimension.

Himchan is cooking, so he doesn't respond, but Jongup's plate has far more beef on it than anyone else's.

-

Himchan insists on fucking Jongup the 'normal' way the next time they're out of the country. Jongup thinks this is stupid, for several reasons, but he goes along with it because he understands that Himchan has a very narrow understanding of sexual attraction. In Himchan's world people are gay, straight, or bisexual. Jongup doesn't think he even has an orientation. He just likes Himchan, and he likes him in lingerie, and he likes him when he's just naked, with three fingers in Jongup's ass.

"Do you still want it?" Himchan says, like Jongup isn't biting his lip and trying not to come everywhere.

Jongup gives him a look.

"No, use your words," Himchan says, slapping him on the thigh. "Tell me. Tell me you're okay with this. That you want this." It's less sexy than it is desperate.

Jongup thinks about all the ways that having something stuck up your ass does not have anything to do with who you like to fuck. He has been doing research. There is no correlation.

"I want this," Jongup says, because it's the truth. Himchan pulls his fingers out slowly and then kisses him like he's drowning, like he's a starving, suffocating man who needs Jongup to be both his food and his air.

-

Things that Moon Jongup thinks are Awesome, even if they are not necessarily Beautiful

  * The choreography for their next comeback
  * The way Junhong is finally mastering some of their harder moves, and the sheer pride and joy on his face when he gets it right.
  * The way Himchan's face gets smooth and calm when he cooks. Jongup hands him the ingredients and they don't talk much but it's nice just to be next to him. It's nice to have their hands brush and to smile at each other when no one is looking.
  * Himchan's stupid texts and chats and emails 

> _It is cold outside!!! why aren't you wearing more layers!! you have to protect your health!!_
> 
> _stop wearing those jeans, they make me want to fuck you_
> 
> _Jonguppie-ah_
> 
> Jonguppie-ah
> 
> Jonguppie-ahhh
> 
> Jonguppie-ahhhhhhhh
> 
> **what**
> 
> nothing.

  * Making out in the bathroom even when it's a bad idea
  * Making out in the living room even when it's a bad idea, because someone could come home any second
  * Making out in the bedroom when it's a bad idea, see above, etc, except somehow they always end up having sex and then they have to do the laundry and open the windows. Jongup just smiles innocently when Manager Kang complains about that month's heating bill. Himchan denies all knowledge of any open windows. Or of any windows, ever.



-

Sometimes Jongup thinks that Himchan expected everything to be perfect now that they're together. It's like he expected them never to fight, and for B.A.P's schedule to magically slow down, and for the two of them to have lots of free time where they could just be stupid and in love.

When they fight, it's always Himchan yelling and Jongup staying silent, unless he has something to say. Usually they're not even fighting, really. Himchan is upset about something else entirely, so he picks a fight with Jongup, which doesn't work because Jongup doesn't fight for stupid reasons that have nothing to do with him. He is not going to fight with Himchan over Bbang's perfectionism in the studio.

The rest of it--it's hard, but it's enough. It's enough because Jongup has been living with Himchan nearly every day of his life for the past three years. It sucks when he wants to be affectionate, but there's so much precedent that it's almost too easy for them to get away with it. They can nap together on Himchan's bed (fully clothed) (curled up together, Himchan's hand on his chest) and while the rest of the bad rolls their eyes, they don't say anything.

-

On rare afternoons off, they lie and say they're going shopping and check into a hotel, instead. Himchan always brings a backpack, innocuous enough unless someone were to check the contents. Makeup. Pretty things. Stockings. Whatever Himchan's bought for himself that he wants to enjoy. Jongup doesn't buy things for him anymore, except as presents. He loves that Himchan is now comfortable enough to buy the things he likes without Jongup's help. It's the way it should be.

Jongup lays on the bed and watches TV while Himchan gets ready. When the anticipation becomes too intense, he goes in and sucks Himchan off while he's getting ready. Himchan doesn't need makeup or primping to look beautiful but Jongup likes taking him apart when he's only half dressed, and then leaving with a kiss and letting Himchan put himself back together.

None of it, Jongup thinks, is necessary to their relationship. It's not necessary like an arm or a leg. It is not fundamental to who they are. But it's a nice perk, and a fun secret, and it gets Jongup incredibly hard. It makes Himchan playful and self-confident. They laugh a lot together, when they're not fucking. Jongup will just pet him, run his hands all over Himchan's smooth skin, and all of the wrinkles in Himchan's brow disappear.

Dressing up makes Himchan feel good about his own body, which is all Jongup ever wanted for him in the first place.

-

Things that will always be Beautiful

  * The moon.
  * Apples.
  * Himchan.



Jongup folds up the piece of paper, carefully torn out of his notebook. He slips it into Himchan's wallet, still lying carelessly in the back pocket of the last pair of jeans he was wearing. It might be a while before Himchan finds it, but that's okay.

Jongup has never shared one of his lists before, but--

Maybe this one should be the exception.


End file.
